Peace in Our Hearts for 2015

With the start of a new year I thought I would drop a little note, I know it's been a while.  I honestly can't believe it's 2015, I say that every year though!

For those who might not know me in my everyday life... It's still just the three of us.. Me, D & P(our pup). No baby.  Still no baby and now it's been three years of trying to start a family.  I can barely believe those words even as I type them. It's kind of sad in a way. Sometimes Dustin and I will see an old picture or recall a trip we took, and as we look back at ourselves as a young married couple we feel some hurt in our hearts.  We look at ourselves in a picture and just think about how that energetic, fun, carefree couple had no idea what path lied ahead. No idea of the sadness, anxiety, disappointment, desperation and some of the deepest waters they would soon walk through.

At the end of 2013.... man were we excited. Excited to leave behind the year we endured 6 rounds of clomid, 3 iui's, and ivf... all which failed.  I had laporascopic surgery to remove some endometriosis in December 2013.  We thought come spring 2014 we would jump on the IVF train again and either do a fresh cycle or maybe try our one frozen embryo. Well, like most planned things in life... that hope to do IVF got pushed way off course.  In mid February 2014 I found out I was pregnant... my first beta was 3,000.  It was a miracle!? Soon to follow were speculations of a miscarriage due to my numbers not doubling but just slowly creeping up. Then about a week later it was determined by ultrasound that I had an ectopic pregnancy but not in my tube, in my ovary.  The chances of that are 1 in 60,000.

February, March & April 2014 I barely functioned. I had this little life inside me that I had been praying for for so long... and I knew there was nothing they could do.  And since it was in my ovary obviously they wouldn't do surgery unless absolutely necessary.  I had to do the mexotrethate shots to "stop the rapidly growing cells".  Mexotrethate is what they use for chemo but mine was in lower doses.  The first round didn't work.... I remember sitting in the lobby of a hotel (I was at a meeting) when the nurse called me from my fertility clinic.  "Unfortunately you have to come back tomorrow morning for more mexotrethate. If you feel any pain in the mean time go immediately to the emergency room and page us as your ovary could rupture". Oh great! Things are really looking up!?! Like, fuck me. Seriously.

All I could think about was this little life that was trying to start inside me.  And for some insane reason this little life was just in the wrong spot. A few inches away and everything could have fine?? To have to go get these shots to stop it from growing anymore just made me sick. I had to abort the pregnancy or it could kill me... or of course it would abort itself first. I cried myself to sleep for so many nights. I was so angry. I can remember driving home from work everyday calling my mom just so hysterical that I would have to pull my car off the side of the road. Over the next two weeks I screamed alot, threw things, cried, and was just in disbelief. Why?? Just why?  I was so hurt. After everything we had been through, how could this possibly happen? It took from February -  mid May 2014 for my levels to FINALLY go to zero. As my body had to absorb it on it's own.. it wasn't like a regular miscarriage that you might pass (which certainly isn't any better).  So much for my plan to make 2014 OUR year! 

I remember God feeling so far away from me during those weeks. I couldn't even pray. I had no words... D would have to pray for me every single night.  But then slowly I began to talk to God again and I changed my prayers.  I no longer asked the The Lord to let us have our own baby, I just asked that He would let us be parents someday and to please let His will for us be known.  It's amazing how looking at the big picture can change your perspective.  He really put something on our hearts that I'll tell you about one day soon but being able to choose the path less taken is not for the faint of heart. I know our faith and trust in Him is the only way.    Proverbs 3:5-6 says ,"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths."  Do not lean on your own understanding... that's so powerful and hard to do but what an amazing promise.

And now we can skip forward to the end of 2014. It's the beginning of December and time to get ready for Christmas and D and I were both starting to dread it. Another Christmas to remind us we still don't have a baby to love. Another Christmas seeing 1,001 pictures of my friends kids with Santa or their beautiful families on Facebook or pregnancy announcements.  And D and I feel forgotten. Yep.. that type of pity party we throw ourselves every now and then.  We certainly know everyone gets so busy in their lives as we do too... but sometimes because it's been so long I think people don't realize it's still something we face every.single.day.  And in a lot of those moments I would wonder why God felt so far away from me. Where was he?? Was he feeing this broken heart I walk around with??

The Sunday after this Thanksgiving, a couple that has been very good friends of ours had their twin babies at 26 weeks 4 days.  I cannot even begin to fathom what they have been through and what they are feeling at this very moment.  They have to be strong and face every single day praying that those little babies grow stronger and stronger in the NICU.  A few weeks ago D and I went to go visit our friends to give them hugs and to our complete surprise they took us back into the NICU to meet their son and daughter. And there I finally felt Him. Yes, Him as in God.  I walked back into that room with our friends, a brand new Mother & Father to two beautiful babies weighing just over 2 lbs and I knew at that moment God was all around us.  It took so much to hold back tears-- but I didn't want to cry because I didn't want them to think it was tears of sadness! They were tears of amazement, amazement of how these little, beautiful babies are so strong, of how our friends were so strong... of how I knew the Lord was there giving all of us the strength to get through these struggles we face while we are here on earth.  Those little twins are so loved!! And my heart-- my heart after so long felt so full of hope and love for these little babies. 

It was after that I really had a change of heart. That experience brought me back to the meaning of Christmas, the fact that we were celebrating the birth of our Lord & Savior.  He who died for my sins so one day I can have eternal life. Something worth celebrating no matter our circumstances here on earth!

For the start of 2015.. I did not ask for a better year than 2014.. I just pray for the Lord to let His will for us be known (no matter what that may be) and for peace in our hearts.  That would be the very best gift of all.

XO 

This is overdue!

Dear Friends,

I am sorry for not updating this blog sooner after we completed our IVF cycle.  I assumed most everyone knew the outcome but then realized there were some I do not live close to that were left wondering.

Sadly, IVF was unsuccessful for us.  Of course the day we found out had to be September 11th which already is a day that makes my heart hurt.  I couldn't bare to watch any of the documentaries or footage on TV that evening or days following. I was already grieving the absence of a pregnancy...and missing those little embryos I had prayed so badly would become our babies.

As hard as going through all of procedures and drugs were; the weeks following our failed IVF have been unexpectedly even harder. I could skip over all the sad stuff and just highlight the happy times we've had; but if there is someone else out there that is going through this-- I want them to know they are not alone.

This has changed me. It has tested relationships with friends, my marriage, my family but especially with God. There have been times I truly wondered if He has forgotten us. Finding out somone  I know is pregnant can bring me to my knees.  Even holding a baby can sometimes be impossible without holding back tears.  The thought that my husband and I may never have our own biological child has become a reality.  Yep, that is the truth.

Now don't' get me wrong. You know D and I will always fight through and find happiness no matter what. And of course I am happy for my friends when they get pregnant-- it just stings a little deeper for us every time it happens.  D and I are thankful for each other, the amazing support we have, and all of our family & friends we love so much that know how to make us laugh.  We were able to sneak away to Key West for a long weekend and truly forget about our worries. We had a blast!!

We don't have any current plans to pursue growing our family (not anytime soon anyway).  After two years it's time to just love each other, live, and celebrate the DINK life that we are living. Maybe it's not so bad after all.

Thank you again for all of the love you have shown us.

XOXO,
L

IVF, complete

This morning, we completed our IVF cycle.  Everything I did was all for this moment of seeing our microscopic embryo up on a big screen before they brought it in and transferred it back into my uterus where hopefully it decides to stay and grow over the the next 9 months.  There are still a lot of variables and a lot of hard work that embryo has got to do.  Today and tomorrow I am taking it easy than it is back to work on Wednesday.  This is the most consecutive days off I've had in a long time.... I think since my honey moon.... too bad I can't walk out my door and be resting on the beach instead:)

I can't even being to thank everyone for their concern and support during this time.  Everyone has been so kind-- sometimes I feel guilty  like we don't' deserve to have people be this kind to us.  It certainly would have been a lot harder though without ya'll :)

The weird part is that now there are no more shots to take, no more crazy medication-- nothing else I can do.... we made it. Today, even seeing that little blob of cells for the first time through a microscope-- I already loved that little thing so much! After the transfer was done all the doctors left and it was just D and I in the room by ourselves.  As I laid there tears streamed down my face as I thought of this potential little life I want to start so, so badly.  We have done absolutely everything possible to try and get pregnant... and now it's just up to the Lord.

So my friends, this is going to be my last blog post until I guess sometime in November...

When I started this blog I didn't really think through this part! Ya'll have been with me every step of the way but I know that whether this IVF cycle is successful or not, sharing the outcome is just not something we are going to be open with for a while.  And for those of you (who are detectives) that will see me- just because I'm not drinking won't mean anything--- who knows maybe this cycle turned out unsuccessful and we are trying another round with a little frozen embryo.  The possibilities are endless, hehe.


 For now my goal is to give all my worries to God, and to have Faith.  Thank you again for sharing this journey with us.

Bloggin' From Bed

I just wanted let everyone know my egg retrieval surgery was successful this morning. I am feeling pretty sore but am recovering in bed with lots of extra attention from the hubs and my parents that are in town! Thank you everyone for all of your thoughts and prayers, they were definitely felt😊

Xoxo

Good evening:)

Well, tonight might be the last night of my injections!! The last few days has been full of a lot of trips the doctor's office, ultrasounds and blood draws.  At this point I am getting pretty uncomfortable.  It feels like my ovaries are ticking time bombs!  Thankfully today is the first day it's really been bad.  I started noticing it on Saturday and it just kept getting more noticeable.  What is MORE annoying than my ovaries are my allergies. Yikes.  I'm not supposed to get sick while doing IVF... I'm hoping I dont' have a sinus infection right now. I'll be at the docs again in the AM, I'll see if they can let me take a Z pack so I'll be finished before the transfer.


If tonight is my last night of injections; I'll 'trigger' tomorrow night and Thursday will be the egg retrieval surgery-- then either 3 or 5 days after that will be the transfer.

We are excited and SO ready to do this.  This process has been hard and we are tired, but we certainly feel His strength every day.  Glory be to God.

I wont' miss this!

Update

Hi Everyone! I'm writing this from my office which people can pass through at any moment and see my screen so I'll keep this short so I don't have anyone googling the "babylessblonde" out of curiosity, haha.

Friday I had my baseline ultrasound and blood work.  Both showed I was ready to move forward with the "stim" meds.  The ultrasound was a scene out of Grey's Anatomy with a gorgeous blond doctor in a hot pink dress and a handsome 30 something resident that was there to observe and a super awkward patient!  Then of course for some reason this office has a really hard time taking my blood. They stabbed me three times in each arm and couldn't' get anything...so I was sent off to a Labcorp where they would have more needle gauge's.  On the 7th attempt of the day, they finally drew my blood. I told that doctor I loved him. hehe.

I started stimming (adding my stimulation shots) on Saturday night. Let me just say it is not that much fun.  These needles are bigger, they hurt and my belly is starting to bruise and is super tender.  I called the nurse this morning to tell her about one of my injections that actually made me cry last night and she said I need to starting icing/numbing the area before I do the shot. I think the specific needles I'm using are a little dull. It's really weird.

So anyone out there preparing or thinking about doing IVF I would A) consult me first so you don't have to use the same type of syringe's I got stuck with and B) stop working out and start drinking milkshakes and eating lasagna. :)  I know there are plenty of people that have gone before me that are skinnier and more muscular than me, haha.  I think I can attribute this to crappy needles:/

This next week I just pray I can stay mentally strong and stress free.  I've already had to adjust my medication dose with my hormone levels not being where they need to be... and tomorrow is an ultrasound to see if my ovaries are responding to the meds.  D is thankfully coming with me.

Prayers are appreciated.  We are in the midst of this now and it certainly feels like it. Thanks again for your support.

XOXO

9 Days & Counting!

I can't believe it's been over a week since I took my first injection. Time is flying, this is a good thing for sure.  D & I have learned so much just in this past week with these shots-- I feel like a pro for now (until I guess the next stage rolls around).  For the most part it's really been fine-- we have found it's much better for me to give the injection to myself in the stomach.  We have done it twice where D gives me the shot in the back of my arm... one time it went well and the other it hurt... I think it reached my muscle.  I feel so bad for D. I know he hates thinking that he is hurting me; I think I have to remind him that really it is helping me!!  He has such a loving heart though; he can't help it❤.  These are all "Sub-Q" injections-- so just in fatty tissue.  Clearly, I thought my booty would be the perfect pin cushion but for some reason it's not one of the spots on your body that they recommend for these shots?!?! Go figure.   Anyway, we really haven't had any issues with the Lupron.  As far as side effects go-- if you search "Lupron Side effects" what you can come across is a little frightening but luckily I've just been more tired and have only had an irrational moment or two, hehe:)

So anyway, I am moving right along here.  Yesterday, I took my last birth control pill---so here's to lucky cycle #17!!! This week sometime I will go in for my baseline ultrasound to make sure the Lupron is doing it's job and everything looks good to add the Menopur and Gonal-F starting on Saturday.  Then I will have blood work and ultrasounds every other day until everything looks good for the surgery.

Someone was honest enough to remind me that sometimes even IVF cycles don't go as planned (and I'm not even talking about the pregnancy part).  Sometimes cycles get canceled because you don't' respond (or respond too much)enough to the hormones.  I think coming from canceled IUI cycles in my past-- since the IVF process is so much more controlled  you just assume nothing can go wrong ...but really anything can happen. I have to just keep praying that each stage of this process is successful and I can keep moving forward.  I know I will be a nervous wreck before all of those ultrasounds.

Other than that I'm just trying to take it kind of easy.  I've had to stop running for now at least.  Walking only.  Not that I ever was a real "runner"....  I jog two miles a day with the pup and that includes some walking for her 'potty' breaks and sniffing around in the bushes. So maybe I was just a "jogger", anyway :)

This past weekend was great.  We were actually in town for once and got to see friends and had a lot of laughs. <3

I finished off my Sunday by spending time with my nephews and SIL. My nephew was cracking me up--- he is going to be just like his Uncle D, loving boats and anything that goes fast!   I feel so lucky to have my brother and his family living just a few miles away from me.  I used to be so sad thinking my nephew only would get to see me a few times a year.  I love having family so close-- it's really a special thing.

Lastly, I had to just mention a thoughtful gesture from a couple very special to us.  They sent us a note in the mail to remind us that our faith in God will keep us strong and that "If He brings you to it; He'll bring you through it". How true is that?

“How can you say the LORD does not see your troubles? O Israel, how can you say God ignores your rights? Have you never heard? Have you never understood? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of all the earth. He never grows weak or weary. No one can measure the depths of his understanding. He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless.  Even youths will become weak and tired and young men will fall in exhaustion. But those who trust in the LORD will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.” (Isaiah 40:27-31 NLT)

I know God is listening to my prayers.  I have felt so much peace and love in my heart these last few days that I just know is because of Him and I couldn't ask for anything more....