A Post from the Babyless "Brunette"!!

Dear Friends,

I am excited today to introduce my first "Guest Blogger Post", or at least I think that's what they call it in this world of blogs?!  She is one of my dearest friends who not only is my rock through this battle with infertility but also my comic relief. I can call her on the verge of tears and by the time we hang up she has me laughing.  She is one of the most sensible and reasonable people I know and unfortunately we share the statistic of being the "1 out of every 6 couples" that faces infertility but she has won the battle once and I'm sure will do it again!  Also please check out her hilarious blog at: www.katiespopculture.blogspot.com

A post from Katie:

(Formally known as) The Baby-less Brunette

Hundreds of dollars.  Maybe it’s even thousands of dollars.  Regardless it’s money that I will never get back.  Ever.  I mean I could have used that money a million different ways.  I could have gone backpacking through Europe or had the shopping spree of my dreams along 5^th Avenue in New York.  No skiing through the Swiss Alps or walking down the street in Manolo Blahnik shoes for me.  Instead I had to be content with windowing shopping and watching the Travel Channel for years and years.  I guess it’s really not my fault.  How was I supposed to know that I was going to have infertility?  How was I supposed to know that each month when I picked up my birth control from the pharmacy I was just throwing money out the window? 

It’s pretty ironic if you think about it.  In college I had the fear each month of getting pregnant by mistake and as an adult I had the fear each month of never getting pregnant.  I remember one time after college my period was late and I was so sure I was pregnant.  I needed to take a pregnancy test, but I couldn’t do it at my parents’ house so I did the next best thing.  I took an at home pregnancy test at a Mrs. Winner’s Chicken and Biscuits fast food restaurant.  Classy.  There I am, sitting in the bathroom stall and praying that I wasn’t pregnant.  I remember the flood of relief I felt when the test came back negative.  Flash five years down the road, I’m still sitting in a bathroom (my own – not a Mrs. Winner’s) praying about a pregnancy test, except this time I am praying for it to be positive.  And again it is negative.  I have that familiar flood coming over me again, but instead of relief its sadness. 

I never in a million years thought I would have trouble getting pregnant.  I never thought it would be so hard.  I never thought I would be living this never ending nightmare.  I just never thought it would be me.

Like I said, it’s ironic isn’t it. 

While I did eventually have a baby (two and a half years after we started to try), I have never allowed my infertility to creep too far away from me.  I feel that going through it all – the miscarriages, the surgeries, the shots, the disappointment, the fear – was my journey.  My infertility was long and it was hard.  It was something I never wanted, but in the end it’s part of me.  Like it or not it’s a part of my history, right there with taking a pregnancy test at a Mrs. Winner’s.  

This post is a hard one to title.  How do people even come up with these blog titles??? And what about the people that are such good blogger's that people advertise on their blog? lol.  I am just glad I have figured out how to post things!

I'm sitting here on the couch this lovely Sunday morning trying to organize in my mind what I wanted to write to ya'll today.  D and I did had our IVF/Medication class on Thursday afternoon of this week-- and all went well. It was definitely intimidating seeing those needles and figuring out I need to take three shots a day for a while-- but I definitely feel educated on what's about to happen. The nurse doing our class (which was just D & I)  said to me "wow, you already seem like you know exactly what's going on here... obviously you've done research I appreciate that, this must be very important to you".  This is the third time a doctor or nurse has said this to me since the start of this IVF process. And each time I hear it I smile and feel proud of myself but then I feel like I just want to cry. Yes, I am pouring my heart, mind and soul into this. Every prayer I make I ask that God continues to give us hope and lead us down the right path.  Sometimes, I feel weird almost begging God to give us our own child one day.... and I wonder to myself "is it wrong to be longing for something that God has not yet put into our lives?"

But it's in moment's and thoughts like that I think about all of the "barren" (this is how they refer to infertile women) women in the bible.  The most popular story of course being Sarai & Abraham's, but I prefer the one of Hannah and Elkanah.  There is a lot I have learned from Hannah.  And before I go into this; let me just say that there is a book called "Hannah's Hope" that was given to one of my best friends (from another one of my best friends) during her battle with infertility, and in return that  friend gave it to me<3

Long story short (literally, hehe) Hannah was married to her husband, Elkanah. Hannah was not able to get pregnant for years even though she desperately wanted a child.  She cried out to the Lord about her situation and promised if God gave her a son she would dedicate him to God as a Nazirite (a man set apart to serve God). 

"While Hannah was silently praying, Eli (the priest at the tabernacle) saw her and mistook her distress and at first thought she was drunk.  He made an ill-advised comment to encourage her to give up drinking, and she corrected his mistake. “I have been praying here out of my great anguish and grief,” she told him . Hannah then explains her predicament, and Eli says, “Go in peace, and the God of Israel grant your petition that you have made to him.” After that, Hannah felt better; she had received God’s promise."  Hannah eventually gave birth to a son, Samuel.

I like the story of Hannah because really for the first time in the bible when telling the story of a women struggling with infertility we learn of a women's (Hannah's) sadness, depression and bitterness because of her infertility.  

Ultimately, God is who puts the longing of a child in our hearts... so the Lord understands and is listening to our prayers.

On another note, today starts the 1 week countdown to my first injection. It's finally starting to feel real. The one comment/question I've been getting recently (for obvious reasons) is if I'm excited about thinking that I could be pregnant in the next couple of weeks.  You would  think I would be imagining myself sporting a baby bump this upcoming fall but honestly, I'm not.  I can't even tell you how many times during this journey I kept thinking things like, "Well, that wedding we are going to is 6 months away...obviously I'll be pregnant by then" or "I better not buy too many new clothes on this shopping trip because I'll be in maternity clothes in a few months".  I of course had thoughts like that for the brief period that I even WAS pregnant and it STILL didn't work out. So whether it's a type of "protection" mechanism or just being let down time after time... I really don't even posses the ability to imagine myself pregnant anymore.  I guess you could say I'm a little jaded.  Sad, but it's the truth.

But, of course I do feel like for the first time in a long time I actually have a chance at getting pregnant.  With my IUI's; after my first one failed I somehow just had a feeling that the rest weren't going to work. I have heard a million times-- just "picture it happening in your mind", "think positive thoughts". Well I did all that plus more and it never worked.  Honestly, to be able to get through this (and stay sane and reasonable), putting my trust in Him and not relying on my own understanding is the best I can do.  Maybe God is envisioning me being pregnant this fall for me--- that would be just lovely.

Taking it All In

The "D+" I got in a freshman Biology class my Senior year of college says it all. I am terrible at math/science/anatomy... anything included in that realm.  I even used to have beers with my professor, Dr. Freeman at Tuesday night pint night at Delaney's and I'm pretty sure the "D+" was a favor to not fail me. Woopsies.

Yesterday I got the email from my IVF nurse with my 6 week IVF "Lupron" protocol with all the medications I will need and I honestly started crying and laughing at the same time. I'm not going to lie, I was scared and completely overwhelmed.  And for some reason they even give me a choice at one point as to what stimulant injections I want to use?!  I'm a little concerned why this is my choice (lol)????  After going through the long email, I then briefly opened up the 6 attachments.  One which was a video of a women jabbing herself with these needles (I know I am so dramatic).  This stuff is so confusing to me... I feel like I'm in that Freshman Biology class all over again where the professor was of course speaking English but he might has well been speaking German:/

I called D on the phone at work and he said, "This is crazy, I'm a little scared". I said, "For you or for me?". D replies, "both". hahahaha.  Honestly, he should be scared I'm known to get all side effects listed on medications.

Anyway, we go Thursday of this week for our "Medication Class" so hopefully I will have a lot of my questions answered.  After I got that email I feel like I need to organize our entire house and come up with an IVF Calendar so I dont' mess up any of these medications (who am I kidding I'm sure there's an App for that). That and re-read my  Bio 101 book.

Not to mention the cost of these medication is so ridiculous--- I can't let a drop spill out of any of those needles!! And of course we have got to lock D down to not be traveling as I need him for the shots and for his big part of this whole process, hehe. Ahhh, there is a lot to do!

On another note, we spent our weekend in DC with old friends:) We had such a great time! Saturday, D hung out with his best college friend while I made the trek out to Eastern Shore MD and spent the day with one of my best friends and her beautiful family! Little Gamecocks to be!  Nothing like being with an old friend-- even though we haven't seen each other in a year it was like I had seen her just the day before. We had lots of laughs together.

Saturday night I made my way back to DC and we all partied like it was 2007! So much fun; D and I really needed a night like that. 

So now the preparation begins.  In less than 2 weeks I start my first injections so after much research I have decided to try and be "extra healthy" leading up to this IVF cycle.  There is really no solid facts that cutting out certain foods or eating specific things help success rates with IVF; but honestly this is such an emotionally, physically and financially draining  process I want to give it my very best.  So that means no alcohol too. Lame. So lame.  Actually, I have decided against this as it would be bad for my mental health:)  I bought things in the "natural" section of Kroger today. That' stuff's expensive! I even bought Almond milk.  Woah.  Seriously, I refuse to even shop at Whole Foods & Fresh Market because I think it's all a gimmick.....so obviously this means business.

Lastly, today I met my new nephew born this past Saturday morning.  A cute little 8lbs munchkin I could just stare at all day.  Seeing him reminds me that this journey will all be worth it.

During this time I pray that God gives D and I courage, wisdom and takes away our fears and anxiety's. We have worries over many things as we approach these upcoming few weeks including of course the outcome but as D always reminds me, just take life one day at a time.

One more thing! Thank you to everyone who sent texts, emails and made calls to let me know they liked my first blog post. That really meant so much:) If you want to get a little note in your email whenever there is a new post-- just enter your email in the "follow by email" box on the right hand side.  Also, feel free to make comments, just don't use our full names if you can remember. Thanks!

Love,
Mrs. P

The Joy That's Coming

Hello My Friend,

Thank you so much for checking in! I am creating this (private) blog to keep our close friends/family updated on this Infertility journey. Many of our loved ones have been so kind to always check in and ask how we are doing and what the latest is— and I’m sure there are some others that would like to inquire but don’t always feel comfortable asking; so I thought this would be a good place to share.

To recap where we have been.. we are 16 cycles, 3 failed IUI’s (artificial insemination’s), and unfortunately one early miscarriage in. Oh and I have maxed out my lifetime of clomid cycles(!?!?). The road has been bumpy for sure and it’s taken us through some pretty dark times but these last few months I have really been able to put my faith in God and so many prayers have been answered.

I do have to give a shout out to D, who has been so good to me.  The poor thing is a natural “fixer” of problems, so I know how much it hurts him and frustrates him to not be be able to solve this situation for us.  He is just the person to go to when I feel anxiety taking over and I think there is no place to hide. He has handled everything with our insurance, finances and has even chased after test results from doctor’s offices for me! <3 He is my sunshine.

I have found with infertility there is such a fine line between “living” and “coping”.  It’s very interesting and I think anyone who goes through it wishes there was some type of handbook that everyone (including their friends & family) had to read! I have certainly found that not everyone will agree with the road you pursue in order to start a family but in the end you just have to choose what’s best for you and be at peace with it.

Our next (VERY exciting step) is IVF (invitro fertilization).  We just recently switched fertility clinics and will be doing this IVF cycle with UNC Fertility.  Thinking about the injections, the egg retrieval and side effects is a little daunting but it’s a small price to pay for the possible outcome!  Here is a great (and simple) explanation of IVF in case you are curious: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7oNg6Lm4ZJ4

Leading up to this point has been lots of testing, signing paperwork, reviewing financials– so we are excited to officially be IVF patients!  After all that testing our diagnoses is “unexplained infertility”…. which is annoying and worrisome at the same time.  But anyway, next up is our IVF class so D can learn how to give me the injections and how we mix the medications.  This should be interesting considering he started feeling faint watching me get blood drawn last week!  I will update soon and let ya’ll know how that goes  

In the meantime I will also amuse myself with random postings just about life in general, this might just be a great little way to pour my energy into something other than trying to have a bambino and work!

Lastly, thank you to everyone who has been so supportive through this journey.  Just thinking about it has me holding back tears. And to my friends who have been through this or are going through this now– we will be parents together someday.

God is so good.

XOXO
Mrs. P